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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29000745">All of this silence</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/kozukenma/pseuds/kozukenma'>kozukenma</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Haikyuu!!</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Zombie Apocalypse, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Denial of Feelings, Friends With Benefits, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, M/M, Major Character Injury, Mutual Pining, Smut, no one dies</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 11:14:42</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>12,243</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29000745</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/kozukenma/pseuds/kozukenma</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>In which a lurker (and an intervention) was all it took for Sakusa to stop himself from ruining the only good thing going on in his life.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Miya Atsumu/Sakusa Kiyoomi</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>90</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>All of this silence</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Sakusa sighs as wipes the dust and grime to look at the expiration dates on the canned food strewn around the shelves. Some of them are salvageable but most risk getting people sick. Grabbing what he can and shoving it into his bag, Sakusa keeps an eye out for the other two in the store with him and for any possible lurker.</p><p> </p><p>This convenience store is located in a pretty calm and deserted area but they can never be too sure. Never be too safe.</p><p> </p><p>Approaching the hardware part of the store in case he sees something that could be useful, Sakusa stops at some tools.</p><p> </p><p>“Hey Omi,”</p><p> </p><p>Looking up over the top shelf at Atsumu on the next aisle, Sakusa frowns when he sees the amused grin on his face as he pulls up some thin nylon ropes.</p><p> </p><p>“Put that back, we don’t need rope.” He instructs before Atsumu can even say anything.</p><p> </p><p>“What about for personal use?” Atsumu lifts a brow, a sly smile on his face and Sakusa stares back blankly at him.</p><p> </p><p>“You see this?” He says listlessly, holding up a wrench. “I will throw it at you.” He threatens and Atsumu simpers, putting the ropes back on the shelf.</p><p> </p><p> “Come on, don’t act like you wouldn’t enjoy it.” Rounding the corner of the aisle to join him, Atsumu shows him what he actually found and Sakusa nods approvingly.</p><p> </p><p>“I don’t need any rope to hold you down.” He says dismissively and Atsumu looks at him all too expectantly Sakusa almost wants to laugh.</p><p> </p><p>“Come join me when I’m on duty tonight.” He offers as if they haven’t been meeting up every time one of them is on guard.</p><p> </p><p>“Can the two of you at least pretend like you don’t fuck in the armory?” Osamu speaks with a loud sigh and while Sakusa has the decency to feel slightly guilty, Atsumu simply throws him finger guns with an unapologetic sorry.</p><p> </p><p>“We should head out soon, Suna(HW) probably found gas already,” Sakusa says and they all gather their supplies and set off to find the other man.</p><p> </p><p>Just as he thought, it barely takes a minute for them to see the familiar pickup truck rolling up to them.</p><p> </p><p>“Did you manage to find any?” Sakusa asks as he and Atsumu slip onto the seat and Osamu jumps in the back to be on the lookout.</p><p> </p><p>“Not much. We’re going to have to go further from now on.” He mutters and Sakusa hums.</p><p> </p><p>He knew this would happen eventually. He knew they wouldn’t be able to keep to their somewhat safe circle forever. He knows they’re going to have to find a way through the red zone if they want to survive.</p><p> </p><p>They’ve become pretty good at being self-sufficient but there over the past year but there are still things they need to set out to find for their people. </p><p> </p><p>“Let’s just drive through the herd and get it done with.” Atsumu shrugs and Sakusa sighs.</p><p> </p><p>“Why are you always so confidently wrong and reckless?” Suna asks, voice devoid of any emotion and Sakusa chuckles.</p><p> </p><p>They all know Atsumu is smart and can be craftier than any of them if he needs to be but his approach toward things is somewhat questionable, to say the least.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m still alive aren’t I?” He shoots back but before either of them can say anything back, they hear Osamu banging on the roof of the truck making Suna slow down.</p><p> </p><p>“Lurkers on the bridge ahead.” Osamu declares and Sakusa frowns.</p><p> </p><p>“Should we just drive by?” Suna asks.</p><p> </p><p>“We’re getting pretty close to the shelter, we should take care of them.” He says, knowing they could cause worry for their people back there if they were to travel all the way to their fences.</p><p> </p><p>“How many do you see?” Atsumu sticks his head out the rolled down window to look at Osamu.</p><p> </p><p>“Six? Maybe seven of them? They seem pretty scattered.”</p><p> </p><p>The crease between Sakusa’s brows deepens. They drove through barely a few hours prior and there was nothing. </p><p> </p><p>He can’t help but wonder where so many of them came from.</p><p> </p><p>“Alright, let’s take them.” Suna turns off the engine to conserve the little gas they have but leaves the key in the ignition in case they need a quick exit.</p><p> </p><p>“Like usual. Keep your guard up, don’t leave your back open and only use guns as a last resort.” Sakusa instructs more out of habit and they all make sounds of agreement.</p><p> </p><p>Balisong knife slipping from the sleeve of his jacket, Sakusa spots Suna sticking close to him, an aluminum bat wrapped with barbed wire held high. He knows him and Suna are precise and quick while Atsumu and Osamu always fight best together, moving in similar ways.</p><p> </p><p>Stepping closer to the bridge, Sakusa feels adrenaline rapidly shooting through his veins. The stench of rotting flesh and gurgling sounds of the dead is something he can never quite fully forget.</p><p> </p><p>“We take the left side, you the right?” Atsumu asks and Sakusa nods, glancing at Suna for a second and making sure they’re both going for the same thing.</p><p> </p><p>Moving as stealthy as possible, Sakusa manages to thrust his blade on the side of a lurker’s head and see Suna swing at another, completely taking its head off with the hit before two more actually spot them.</p><p> </p><p>Loud snarls and moans echo around the trees as they stagger toward them hungrily. Sakusa forces his focus in front of him but he’s still listening in on Suna and Atsumu’s instructions to each other, confirming all of them are staying safe.</p><p> </p><p>Making sure he doesn’t stray too far from Suna, Sakusa slashes through the head of a biter, decaying flesh and bones making it easy to reach the brain.</p><p> </p><p>Whirling around when he hears Suna grunt, Sakusa sees another biter that wasn’t accounted for, jaws snapping at them but it’s already too close for Suna to be able to properly swing at it so he steps aside and behind it to hold his bat vertically against the lurker’s neck. The barbed wire digs into its neck but he can’t apply enough pressure in that position to behead it.</p><p> </p><p>With practiced ease, Sakusa twirls the balisong in his hand and throws it, blade precisely wedging itself right in between the dead’s eyes.  </p><p> </p><p>As soon as the growling and gnawing stop, Suna drops the corpse to the ground, pulling the weapon out with a disgusting squelching sound.</p><p> </p><p>“I think that was the last one.” Suna heaves and Sakusa turns back to the other two after taking his knife back and wiping the blade against his pants.</p><p> </p><p>There are five more bodies on the bridge around them. Almost ten of them appearing seemingly out of nowhere. Sakusa hopes they were only wanderers and not a sign of a different herd closing in on them.</p><p> </p><p>“You know it’s kind of hot when you do that shit with your knife.” Atsumu grins, walking up to him while wiping down a machete. </p><p> </p><p>“You really make me question your priorities every day, you know that?” Sakusa shakes his head.</p><p> </p><p>“What? We were all done, it was the last one.” He reasons and Sakusa snorts.</p><p> </p><p>Sometimes he still wonders how he managed to get so attached to someone like that.</p><p> </p><p>“Can we go back now? I want to clean this off.” Suna groans and now that Sakusa really looks at him, he can see the amount of dark gloopy blood on his clothes.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Back at the shelter, Suna quickly escapes to change his clothes while Osamu and Atsumu offer to help Kita make rounds to check on the fences while it’s still light outside. </p><p> </p><p>Once he walks down inside one of the old converted bunkers, Sakusa is greeted by Komori but his smile is tight and his eyes sad.</p><p> </p><p>“What happened?” He asks immediately.</p><p> </p><p>“Nothing. Do you have a minute?” Komori whispers instead and Sakusa nods, following him in the infirmary wing.</p><p> </p><p>“Who’s this about?” Sakusa questions, realizing Komori is leading him into one of the sick rooms.</p><p> </p><p>“You know old lady Ukira?” He asks and Sakusa hums.</p><p> </p><p>“She’s not doing so good.”</p><p> </p><p>“She’s not getting better?”</p><p> </p><p>“Getting worse actually.”</p><p> </p><p>Sakusa sighs, closing his eyes and pressing his fingers against his lids. He knows where this is going.</p><p> </p><p>“Isn’t there any chance of her recovering?” He asks and Komori looks down, pulling the curtain to her elderly’s bed.</p><p> </p><p>Sakusa refrains himself from saying something as insensitive as how she already looks dead.</p><p> </p><p>“She’s been here for weeks after her heart problems started acting up. And she hasn’t shown any sign of improvement.” Komori explains.</p><p> </p><p>“What do you want to do?”</p><p> </p><p>“Sakusa we can’t—we can’t keep this up. The medication we’re using on her is rare to come by and could be used for someone who… actually might have a chance later on.” He says and Sakusa sighs.</p><p> </p><p>He knows what Komori is hinting at without actually saying it. They have other people to cater to. Decisions they have to make.</p><p> </p><p>“Have you talked to her son?”</p><p> </p><p>“Not yet.”</p><p> </p><p>Sakusa knows from the way Komori looks away that he doesn’t want to do it. He knows the man is soft hearted when it comes to telling the harsh truth to people. He probably spent days telling the man his mother would be fine eventually. That she would bounce back.</p><p> </p><p>“It’s okay. I’ll talk to him.” </p><p> </p><p>With a pat on the shoulder and a thankful nod from Komori, Sakusa throws a last look at the frail woman before leaving the infirmary.</p><p> </p><p>It’s scary to think of how desensitized he feels toward death.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Later that night, Sakusa busies himself cleaning and fixing weapons that are looking a little worn down. The quieter it is while he’s on guard the better. He knows that. It means their fences are holding on and no herds are coming close.</p><p> </p><p>It also means it’s easier to fall asleep.</p><p> </p><p>Hunched over a handgun with a broken magazine release pin, Sakusa stills, fingers hovering, ear perked, hyper aware of any sort of noise. There’s someone shuffling outside the armory.</p><p> </p><p>Rolling his eyes, Sakusa silently stands and tiptoes toward the door. In one swift motion, Sakusa twists the lock, pulling the door open.</p><p> </p><p>Atsumu stumbles in with a shocked gasp. Sakusa stares at him with an anmused look, watching him clutch at his heart. Atsumu throws a pout at him.</p><p> </p><p>“Maybe one day you’ll be stealthy enough to surprise me.” Sakusa secures the lock again. </p><p> </p><p>When he turns around, Atsumu is already stepping closer, fingers splaying snugly over his hips.</p><p> </p><p>“You could let me believe for once. Go easy on me.” He grumps without any actual sulkiness. Sakusa snorts.</p><p> </p><p>“I go easy on you all the time.” He counters, letting Atsumu pull at his shirt.</p><p> </p><p>Sakusa still remembers when Atsumu and Osamu had shown up at the gates all those months ago exhausted and starving. Begged them to help them find their friend. The attempts had been futile and it had taken him a few weeks to fully open up to them and by then, he already had Sakusa wrapped around his little finger.</p><p> </p><p>Kita had called him whipped. He didn’t find it in himself to refute the light-hearted accusation.</p><p> </p><p>Naturally, Sakusa hadn’t been able to say no when Atsumu crudely explained why they should give each other a hand, ‘We both like dick, the world has gone to shit and we’ll probably die young. Might as well make the best of it.’.</p><p> </p><p>Feeling the tugging on his shirt more insistent, Sakusa lifts his arms up, letting Atsumu throw it carelessly on the floor.</p><p> </p><p>Crowding him back against the steel door, Sakusa catches Atsumu’s chin between his fingers to seal their mouths in a kiss. His tongue is scorching when it meets with his and when Sakusa presses their hips together he’s pleased to find Atsumu is already hard, his skin almost feverish.</p><p> </p><p>“You’re eager today.” He mumbles against his mouth, want creeping slow and thick in his veins. He feels strands of Atsumu’s damp hair sticking to his own forehead. Pick up the scent of generic soap and something more subtle that is just… Him. Sakusa isn’t afraid to admit that he wants to bury himself in that.</p><p> </p><p>“I’ve been trying to get down here for the past hour. Sue me.” He breathes, blunt as ever. </p><p> </p><p>Sakusa smiles, amused, moving his kisses along Atsumu’s jaw to his ear, teeth barely catching the lobe. Just because he knows how sensitive they are.</p><p> </p><p>“What if I want to take my time? Eat you out real nice and slow and keep you on the edge?” He whispers. He knows they don’t actually have time for all that. That he’s technically still on duty. But the thought is nice and the low whine and nails dragging over the skin of his back go straight to his groin. </p><p> </p><p>“Just fuck me.” He growls, one of his hands moving, shamelessly cupping his cock through his pants and Sakusa hisses, capturing his mouth in another kiss. It’s sloppy and bordering on rough, both of them grappling onto the other. </p><p> </p><p>Atsumu tangles his fingers into his hair and Sakusa’s hands clutch his hips, all too aware of how much Atsumu is rutting against his thigh, the fabric of his sweatpants in no way hiding the fact that it’s the only layer he’s wearing.</p><p> </p><p>Sakusa wants to stay quiet. Wants to listen. Because Atsumu always sounds so pretty and breathless. His moans and gasps always so rewarding in the way he gives them so freely. But when Atsumu tugs on his hair just the right way and sinks his teeth into his bottom lip in a demanding way, Sakusa groans, his blood feeling like molten lava in his veins. His resolve quickly breaks.</p><p> </p><p>Squeezing Atsumu’s waist again, Sakusa manhandles him, spinning him around and pressing him against the steel door, leaving an open mouth kiss on the back of his neck. Tugging his sweatpants down just enough to expose his ass, Sakusa sucks in a short gasp when Atsumu immediately pushes back against his crotch.</p><p> </p><p>“Fuck, ‘Tsumu, hold on, let me prep you at least.” Sakusa reasons.</p><p>Atsumu throws him a sly look over his shoulder. “I told you I’ve been wanting to get down here for an hour.” He insists. “There was always someone in the fucking showers.” He clarifies and Sakusa raises a brow, spreading his cheeks, pressing his thumb against his hole and finding it already sleeked.</p><p> </p><p>“You’re impossible.” He chuckles a tad breathlessly. </p><p> </p><p>“Just get on with it already.” Atsumu whines, reaching back to grip onto his forearm. “There’s lube in my pocket.” He adds.</p><p> </p><p>Sakusa paws at the bunched up sweats on his thighs until he finds the small container. He doesn’t even know when Atsumu sneaked that one in.</p><p> </p><p>Opening his pants only so he can free his hard-on, Sakusa squirts some lube on his fingers, letting the bottle drop on the ground and holds himself at the root. A quiet moan escapes him when he gives himself a few slow strokes for good measures, suddenly all too aware of how sensitive he is.</p><p> </p><p>Atsumu pushes back against him with a whine at the sound and Sakusa chokes back a moan when his cock slips between his cheeks.</p><p> </p><p>“Hurry.” Atsumu gasps, voice needy and higher than usual.</p><p> </p><p>Sakusa holds onto his hip with a bruising grip and wraps his other arm around Atsumu’s chest, pulling his back flush against his own chest. Moving his hips slowly, almost teasingly, Sakusa holds his breath every time the head of his cock nudges at Atsumu’s hole. His body tensing with each drag. The anticipation clear in the way his muscles flex, the way his nails are digging into Sakusa’s forearm.</p><p> </p><p>“Omi, please.” Atsumu begs and the small plea goes straight under Sakusa’s skin.</p><p> </p><p>“I got you,” He mutters, letting go of Atsumu’s hip to steady himself as he pushes in.</p><p> </p><p>He knows Atsumu prepped himself, he can feel it but it still feels so damn tight and snug around his cock he has to stop halfway to breathe in sharply.</p><p> </p><p>Atsumu has gone quiet, his mouth hangs open when he rests his cheek against the steel door.</p><p> </p><p>Sakusa kind of wishes he could replay the moan that leaves Atsumu when he pushes the rest of the way in and bottoms out.</p><p> </p><p>“You okay?” Sakusa asks, feeling Atsumu breathing hard and still clutching at his arm.</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, fuck, I feel so fucking full.” He laughs and it breaks into a moan when Sakusa slowly starts moving. He knows Atsumu enjoys that almost too much and overwhelming feeling.</p><p> </p><p>He knows that’s his green light.</p><p> </p><p>Picking a fast and bordering on rough rhythm, Sakusa wraps his other arm around Atsumu’s stomach to steady him, bunching up his shirt and pulling him toward himself with every snap of his hips.</p><p> </p><p>Sakusa latches his mouth against the side of Atsumu’s neck. He thinks maybe he would’ve taken his shirt off so he could leave kisses and taste the skin of his back.</p><p> </p><p>“You feel so good.” He breathes, knowing that even if he doesn’t say it, how much Atsumu thrives off of praises.</p><p> </p><p>“Touch me.” Atsumu requests, a hitch in his voice at a particularly hard thrust.</p><p> </p><p>He reaches for Sakusa’s arm that’s resting low on his stomach, pawing at his hand to try and have it close around his cock.</p><p> </p><p>Sakusa almost smiles at how he refuses to simply touch himself.</p><p> </p><p>Conceding, Sakusa wraps his fingers around his shaft, using precome leaking from the tip to make the slide easier. Stroking him in time with his thrusts, Sakusa lets his head fall between Atsumu’s shoulder blades when he feels him tighten. He can feel himself nearing his end but he knows Atsumu is close too.</p><p> </p><p>There’s a quiet mantra of fucks and his name dripping from Atsumu’s mouth. Sakusa barely holds off long enough to feel Atsumu’s body tense up, hear the cracked moan falling from his mouth and feel his fingers getting covered before he buries himself deep, throbbing hard, pleasure washing over him in a strong wave.</p><p> </p><p>Taking a moment to gather himself and let oxygen travel through his system again, Sakusa opens his eyes, not remembering even closing them, and rubs his palm on Atsumu’s stomach.</p><p> </p><p>“Told you I don’t need rope with you.” He chuckles, low and weary.</p><p> </p><p>It takes Atsumu a moment to catch up.</p><p> </p><p>“Shut up.” He huffs, groaning quietly when Sakusa pulls out.</p><p> </p><p>Tucking himself back into his pants, Sakusa slaps a hand on Atsumu’s ass just to see the half-hearted scowl it earns him.</p><p> </p><p>“You totally wiped your hand on my shirt.” He whines when he straightens up his clothes.</p><p> </p><p>“Just giving back what’s yours.” Sakusa says simply because he loves seeing Atsumu looking so aggravated after being ready to beg for the smallest touch.</p><p> </p><p>“I’ll let you have this one because I’m getting leaky.” He says with a straight face, pulling at his sweatpants and Sakusa snorts.</p><p> </p><p>“You got some on the door, I’ll clean it for you.” He says as if doing him a favor.</p><p> </p><p>He doesn’t hide the shit-eating grin on his face when Atsumu squints at him.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“We need to find gas soon or we’ll have to start traveling on foot again.”</p><p> </p><p>Sakusa rubs at his face tiredly. He knows Kita is right. Suna had said the same thing a few days prior but they still haven’t had any luck so far.</p><p> </p><p>“What about the highway ramp pile up about twenty miles from here.” Atsumu points on their map.</p><p> </p><p>“It was swarming with biters last I saw.” Osamu shakes his head.</p><p> </p><p>“That was almost two months ago. Maybe they’ve moved on.” Sakusa offers, trying to not let himself get too hopeful. Too many times they’ve been faced with dead ends.</p><p> </p><p>“It’s pretty far out,” Suna mutters with a frown.</p><p> </p><p>Sakusa sighs. He knows Suna worries about the same thing as him. What if they get there and the place is overrun? What if they make the trip for nothing and waste even more fuel. “Do you see any other option?” He still asks because he doesn’t see another solution.</p><p> </p><p>“It’s worth a shot at this point.” Atsumu voices and Sakusa can feel his eyes on him. </p><p> </p><p>“You up for a run?” He asks as if they’re talking about going to the corner store.</p><p> </p><p>“It was my idea.” Atsumu shrugs. Sakusa knows they’re both trying to downplay the situation and ignore how precarious it might be.</p><p> </p><p>“Are we all going?” Kita speaks unsurely but Sakusa shakes his head.</p><p> </p><p>“We’ll just go the two of us. As little weight as possible to preserve fuel if the trip is unsuccessful and as much space as possible if we can fill up cans.”</p><p> </p><p>“We should head out now, there’s still a few hours of sunlight.” Atsumu stands and Sakusa follows.</p><p> </p><p>“I’ll get our gears. Get the siphon pumps from the other cars.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>In under an hour, both of them are geared up and ready to head out. Sakusa keeps telling himself that this is a normal run. In a sense, it is. But he also knows they have more at stake and the possibility of getting surrounded in an open space like that is very much likely.</p><p> </p><p>He knows it when Komori comes out of the shelter and grips his arm.</p><p> </p><p>“If anything feels off, you guys turn around.” He insists sternly. </p><p> </p><p>Sakusa knows it’s nothing to smile about but he can’t help the corners of his mouth pulling up.</p><p> </p><p>“We’ll be fine. We’re basically professionals at this point.” He chuckles, patting his shoulder, making sure Komori doesn’t know just how much he himself worries.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“You didn’t have to lie to him like that,” Atsumu speaks, slouching in the passenger seat, feet propped up against the dashboard.</p><p> </p><p>“What’s the point in worrying him with my worry.” Sakusa raises a brow, reaching over to knock Atsumu’s feet back on the footwell.</p><p> </p><p>“You’re that worried about doing this and you’re still dragging me there with you.” Atsumu muses. “Do I really mean this little to you?” He asks in faux hurt.</p><p> </p><p>Sakusa considers humoring him and playing along but he knows that, sometimes, honesty works best on shutting him up. “I can’t trust just anybody with my back.”</p><p> </p><p>Just as he thought, Atsumu fell silent for a moment.</p><p> </p><p>“You shouldn’t stroke my ego like this you know.”</p><p> </p><p>“Don’t worry I have no trouble bruising it either.” He chuckles.</p><p> </p><p>Atsumu fixes him with a weak glare before he pulls out a map and gives him directions. Telling him which roads to avoid. Places they previously marked as dangerous or blocked.</p><p> </p><p>Sakusa knows that one of the reasons why he wanted Atsumu to come with him instead of Suna, who he fights better with, is because of how easily he walks the line of being silly, playing around and knowing what they do is dangerous, never risk free.</p><p> </p><p>“We’re close enough for now, let’s walk.”</p><p> </p><p>The highway ramp in sight, Sakusa squashes the hope brewing in his chest. It looks calm. Deserted.</p><p> </p><p>“It’s quiet.” Atsumu voices his thoughts in a whisper. Their footsteps are silent. </p><p> </p><p>“The herd that was here left but be careful of the lurkers that might have gotten stuck in the cars.”</p><p>Sakusa knows he doesn’t have to say it as they approach the wreck. He knows Atsumu has been out there as often as him and the grip he has on a crowbar is sturdy.</p><p> </p><p>Atsumu doesn’t mention that and simply nods.</p><p> </p><p>Sakusa’s hold on his knife is sweaty despite the chill in the air. His eyes dart left and right, in between the bent and broken pieces of metal. There’s nothing. The dust and grime undisturbed on the cars. No gurgled moans, snarling. </p><p> </p><p>No decaying bodies on the ground either. No one looted this place already.</p><p> </p><p>Throwing a glance at Atsumu, Sakusa can tell he’s as relieved as he is.</p><p> </p><p>“Let’s start. It looks as safe as can be.”</p><p> </p><p>Filling up the gas cans is quite a long process with how many they have but they get the job done. They only need to take out three lurkers that were stuck inside cars. Easy and fast.</p><p> </p><p>Once they’re done and they’ve made plenty of trips back to the car, Sakusa glances inside of a car. “Maybe we should look through in case we find something useful before leaving.” He voices and Atsumu nods.</p><p> </p><p>“If there’s any sort of portable game console, it’s mine. I’ve been looking for one since forever.” He calls out.</p><p> </p><p>Sakusa snorts. He won’t admit that it’s out of fondness.</p><p> </p><p>Bringing their rucksacks from the car, they go through a few trunks and backseats. The ones they can reach. The ones where the doors aren’t jam closed against other vehicles.</p><p> </p><p>After a while, they find themselves at the trunk of the same car. Sakusa peeks curiously when Atsumu pulls out a locked box that looks like it might contain a gun. They’re not exactly short on weapons but it doesn’t hurt to hoard as much as possible.</p><p> </p><p>He only chuckles when Atsumu groans after forcing it open to reveal a hand axe. He also raises a brow when he sees him throw the box away and hold the axe.</p><p> </p><p>“I thought you hated axes.” He says, rummaging through a different bag in the trunk.</p><p> </p><p>Whoever’s car this was definitely prepared for the worst. Shame none of it was used all this time.</p><p> </p><p>“I loathe them. But Samu said he has gotten dull.” He explains distractedly, shoving the weapon in his rucksack.</p><p> </p><p>Sakusa has a remark on the tip of his tongue. Something about Atsumu having grown soft and caring. But the words die in his throat when he spots movement from the corner of his eye.</p><p> </p><p>Snapping his head in the direction, Sakusa’s blood runs cold when he sees lurkers dragging their feet toward them. They’re coming from the direction of their car and there’s too many of them for him to count. To many of them to successfully take on.</p><p> </p><p>Mind spinning, trying to find an escape, Sakusa grasps Atsumu’s wrist and squeezes hard . Enough that he doesn’t ask questions. His head whips around and colors drain from his face.</p><p> </p><p>Sakusa knows most of the car doors are either locked or jammed. They can’t open them without making noises that would attract the dead to them.</p><p> </p><p>“Under the cars.” He frets quietly.</p><p> </p><p>Both of them scurry to the ground, sliding their bodies under the two closest cars with enough space under them.</p><p> </p><p>Sakusa feels his heart painfully hammering against his ribcage. The moans and groans are growing louder. The shuffling of feet on asphalt closer. </p><p> </p><p>Trying to control his breathing, Sakusa fixes his eyes on Atsumu and he’s pretty sure this is the first time he’s seen him look so scared . His fingers are clenched white around the crowbar on his chest. His head is turned in his direction and the pure fear in his eyes seizes Sakusa to his core. </p><p> </p><p>He hasn’t felt quite this helpless in a long time.</p><p> </p><p>He knows this is most likely a wandering herd. Groups of lurkers passing through. They’ve seen them before. They were most likely alerted by the noise of their own car when they drove through. They know it happens. But they’ve never been this exposed to them.</p><p> </p><p>Sakusa closes his eyes for a moment, the stench of dead flesh overwhelming as they walk around and through the wreck.</p><p> </p><p>Unsure of how long they stay unmoving on the ground, Sakusa prays that the herd almost completely passed through when there’s less and less noises and feet passing by them.</p><p> </p><p>Until one of them seems to halt in between the two cars they’re under.</p><p> </p><p>Sakusa’s eyes shift between Atsumu and the dead’s legs. He wants to shake his head, say no, when Atsumu reaches a hand down to grab onto the pistol at his belt. The sound of a gunshot would call back all the lurkers that walked away already. But he also knows that if this biter sees either of them, they might not be able to gather enough strength to kill it in their position.</p><p> </p><p>When the biter turns and its feet are pointing toward him, Sakusa clenches his teeth, shaky grip tight on his balisong.</p><p> </p><p>“Don’t.” He mouths silently toward Atsumu when he aims toward the dead when it crouches on the ground.</p><p> </p><p>Sakusa resists the urge to shout when decaying hands grapple frantically at him. Crazed eyes and snapping jaws inches away from his face. Struggling to keep the teeth away from his flesh, Sakusa slowly pushes his blade inside of the biter’s eye socket.</p><p> </p><p>The hands on him turn limp and thick dark blood trickle onto the side of his face and neck. He does his best to stomach it, stomach the smell. Shuffling a few inches to the side, Sakusa lets the body rest beside him. If anything it gives them covers from other lurkers possibly picking up their scent.</p><p> </p><p>Chancing a look toward Atsumu, Sakusa can see the way he’s shaking, his eyes wide and brows furrowed in fear or worry he’s not too sure which is stronger. All he can do at this point is send him an okay sign.</p><p> </p><p>It doesn’t erase the expression on his face.</p><p> </p><p>They stay under the cars for a long time. Long after they hear the last lurker walking through. Even if just to make completely sure it’s safe to get up. </p><p> </p><p>But they’re starting to lose daylight now and they definitely don’t want to be stuck here once it’s nighttime.</p><p> </p><p>Sakusa signals for Atsumu to help him move the cadaver so he can get out, the other side being jammed against a truck. Giving a curt nod, Atsumu grimaces, dragging his body from under the car.</p><p> </p><p>Grabbing the dead’s arms, Atsumu pulls at the same time Sakusa pushes. With a joint effort, they manage to move it away and Sakusa slides from under the car.</p><p> </p><p>As soon as he stands, Sakusa feels Atsumu crush him in a hug.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m disgusting,” Sakusa says, knowing the lurker leaked all over him. He can feel it on his face and sticking to his clothes.</p><p> </p><p>Atsumu only squeezes him harder.</p><p> </p><p>“I was sure it got you.” He mutters against his shoulder. Sakusa breathes out a short sigh, hugging Atsumu’s middle for a moment.</p><p> </p><p>“Let’s go back. We have enough for now.” He says, voice soft, feeling Atsumu nod into the crook of his neck.</p><p> </p><p>Picking up their bags, they make their way back to their car, the fuel cans taking up most of the space but Atsumu opens the trunk to throw in the stuff they picked up.</p><p> </p><p>When Sakusa sees it, Atsumu doesn’t. He’s on the other side of the car and he sees the biter there. Right next to him.</p><p> </p><p>The shout of Atsumu’s name leaves him so desperately it hurts his throat. Atsumu startles, stumbling back when the dead lunges at him. Sakusa sees him hold his arms out to keep it away, crowbar clanking loudly against the road. Sakusa feels as if his legs are made of lead as he rounds the car.</p><p> </p><p>The pained groan he hears at the same time he sees teeth sink into Atsumu’s right hand fill Sakusa with unfathomable rage. He sees red .</p><p> </p><p>Charging forward, Sakusa rams into the biter. Forcing it away from Atsumu and onto the side of the road. It doesn’t care. It only snaps its teeth at him instead. Reaching to the side, Sakusa picks up the crowbar Atsumu had dropped and repeatedly bashes its head.</p><p> </p><p>Once he stops, breath heavy and hands dripping with dark blood, there’s no head to speak of. Only a black and red pulpy mess.</p><p> </p><p>“Omi.”</p><p> </p><p>The broken whisper snaps Sakusa away from his wrath and he whirls around.</p><p> </p><p>“No, no, no, fuck, let me see.” He panics, reaching out to take Atsumu’s arm.</p><p> </p><p>Dragging him back to the trunk, Sakusa frantically searches through Atsumu’s rucksack, bringing out the axe he found earlier.</p><p> </p><p>He can’t bring himself to look at Atsumu’s face as he slams the trunk of the car shut. He can’t see anything but the mangled flesh of his hand. His heartbeat feels like a painful throbbing inside of his head as he places Atsumu’s hand on the trunk. His grip on the axe clammy and trembling.</p><p> </p><p>Sakusa holds his forearm to steady it, hesitating because this is completely mad but Atsumu grasps onto his shirt with his other hand. He’s waiting.</p><p> </p><p>Squeezing his eyes shut for a second, Sakusa feels sweat springing up the surface of his skin and his vision gets blurry but he shakes it off and clenches his jaw.</p><p> </p><p>The first strike of the axe almost separates his hand completely at the wrist. Blood rapidly gushes out, sprays all over his own hands and Sakusa is convinced that the scream Atsumu lets out will never leave his mind. It resonates all the way to his bones.</p><p> </p><p>The second strike gets the job done and Atsumu crumbles to his knees, bringing Sakusa down with him, blood flowing heavily, amputated arm resting against his lap, body leaning limply against him.</p><p> </p><p>Sakusa shakes, the taste of bile at the back of his throat forcing him to suck in a shuddering breath as he lets the axe clang to the ground, ripping his own jacket apart to wrap the open wound in a makeshift bandage.</p><p> </p><p>“Come on.” Voice cracking with nerves, Sakusa helps Atsumu up and into the passenger seat, rounding the car to head back to the shelter.</p><p> </p><p>“I think I’m going to pass out.” Atsumu slurs barely a minute into the drive back.</p><p>Sakusa almost jumps at the sound of his voice, having grown used to the sound of static in his own head.</p><p> </p><p>“You can’t. You need to stay with me. You need to keep your arm up.” He frets, eyes shifting rapidly between him and the road.</p><p> </p><p>Atsumu is sickly pale. Almost as white as a sheet. There’s a sheen of sweat all over his face and his eyes are glazed over. He’s not shaky or looking panicked and Sakusa knows that’s bad.</p><p> </p><p>The jacket wrapped around his wrist is completely soaked through with deep red.</p><p> </p><p>“Maybe we should cauterize it.” He mutters more to himself but Atsumu groans.</p><p> </p><p>“The shock might kill me faster than the bleeding.” He says, his breathing shallow, and Sakusa hits the steering wheel with a loud curse.  </p><p> </p><p>Sakusa is at a loss. He’s not medically trained enough for this. His head is buzzing all over again. Fear grips at his stomach when he reaches a hand over and touches Atsumu’s forehead. His skin is clammy and burning.</p><p> </p><p>“Keep your arm up. Don’t you fucking dare pass out on me.” He snaps when Atsumu’s head starts bouncing forward and his arm slowly lowering.</p><p> </p><p>Atsumu makes a sound at the back of his throat. Sakusa drives faster.</p><p> </p><p>The drive back takes half the time it took before and as soon as they get back, he sees Osamu on guard and yells at him to open the gates.</p><p> </p><p>Barely taking the time to put the car in park, Sakusa jumps out of the driver’s seat just in time to see Osamu and Kita run up to him.</p><p> </p><p>“What the fuck happened?” </p><p> </p><p>Osamu’s voice dies in his throat when Sakusa rips open the passenger door and his eyes fall on Atsumu. The blood. The badly wrapped arm.</p><p> </p><p>“I’ll find Komori.” Kita clearly pales, running off inside the main shelter.</p><p> </p><p>“Sakusa, talk to me.” Osamu groans as they hoist Atsumu out of the car. He’s clearly out of it. His head hanging low in front of him, feet barely supporting himself. His injured arm weakly held against his stomach.</p><p> </p><p>“He got bit.”</p><p> </p><p>From the corner of his eye, Sakusa can see the way Osamu’s mouth parts to say something. Ask more questions. But in the end, he stays silent when they walk inside.</p><p> </p><p>Rushing to the infirmary part of the shelter, they meet Komori and Kita there. Sakusa vaguely explains what happens. His tongue feels heavy, thick inside of his mouth. His stomach twists with nausea when Komori brings Atsumu down on one of the sickbeds and throws away the makeshift bandage. Blood still pools at the imputation and Sakusa wants to help. Wants to be useful. But his feet are rooted where he is and his ears are still buzzing.</p><p> </p><p>He almost lashes out when he feels a hand on his arm. But then he blinks and Osamu’s pale, worried face comes into focus.</p><p> </p><p>“Kita is compatible for a transfusion so I need him here. Take him out, we’ve got this.”  Sakusa registers Komori’s voice. Calm and composed. Sometimes he forgets how strong he can be when it comes to doing his job. Helping others.</p><p> </p><p>Sakusa lets Osamu drag him outside of the infirmary and when the door closes loudly, he feels a wave of helplessness similar to when everything started going to shit. Not knowing what to do or what to say.</p><p> </p><p>“Fuck!” He curses loudly, fist hitting the concrete wall. The pain shooting up through his knuckles is a dull reminder that this is real. That everything actually just happened.</p><p> </p><p>“Don’t.” Osamu is by his side again in a second, taking hold of his still clenched fist. “He’ll be fine. Komori will patch him up.” He tries to encourage. Eyes dull and smile forced.</p><p> </p><p>Sakusa scoffs.</p><p> </p><p>“We don’t fucking know that. Maybe I took too long and the infection still spread. Maybe he lost too much fucking blood. We’re not equipped for this kind of thing. If I didn’t- ” Cutting himself off with a sharp intake of air, Sakusa runs a hand through his hair, distress clawing at his throat.</p><p> </p><p>“Hey don’t. Whatever happened back there, I know he wouldn’t blame you. I don’t blame you.” Osamu wraps him up in his arms and Sakusa is torn between pushing him away and crumbling into the embrace.</p><p> </p><p>“You don’t get it. We already had a close call and I said we should check the cars. If I didn’t— the timing would’ve been different. We would’ve left before that lurker—”</p><p> </p><p>Grabbing his face into his palms, Osamu looks at him in the eyes. Sakusa is rendered silent, hands clasping onto Osamu’s forearms.</p><p> </p><p>“You know this is always what we do. We check cars and houses for supplies. He knows that too. This is not on you.” He insists.</p><p> </p><p>Giving a curt nod, Sakusa knows Osamu is right. He knows this is what they do. This is how they live. But he still can’t quite shake the guilt from his guts.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Sakusa isn’t sure how long they stay right outside of the infirmary. Suna joins them after some time. He slips down against the wall to sit on the concrete floor next to Osamu. Sakusa can’t bring himself to stop pacing.</p><p> </p><p>When the door opens to reveal Komori and Kita, Sakusa’s stomach tightens with nerves.</p><p> </p><p>“How’s he?”</p><p> </p><p>“I can’t tell for sure yet.” Komori sighs, rubbing at his face. “We cleaned the wound, bandaged it properly and gave him some antibiotics. His fever has gone down a bit already but…” He trails off and they all know. They know how things can turn for the worst sometimes.</p><p> </p><p>“I need to see him,” Sakusa mutters, stepping forward.</p><p> </p><p>“He’s still unconscious,” Kita says and Sakusa shakes his head.</p><p> </p><p>“I just need to see him.”</p><p> </p><p>His voice breaks. All of them are silent. Komori fixes him with a stare. Sakusa doesn’t back down.</p><p> </p><p>“If that’s alright,” He adds, looking at Osamu for permission.</p><p> </p><p>“I’ll go see him later.” Osamu says, calm as ever, but will probably break down once he sees his brother. He needed to get himself together, first.</p><p> </p><p>Walking inside the room, Sakusa swallows thickly, eyes immediately falling onto Atsumu’s good arm, cuffed to the bed.</p><p> </p><p>“We can’t take any chances.” Komori voices softly, standing beside him. Sakusa nods.</p><p> </p><p>Of course, they can’t compromise the entire shelter. They have no idea if things are going to be okay.</p><p> </p><p>Sakusa steps closer to the sickbed. He lets his eyes trail over Atsumu’s frame. They’ve changed him out of his soiled clothes but his usually golden skin is almost grayish, veins standing out stark and dark. His chest rises and falls slowly, bandaged arm propped against his stomach.</p><p> </p><p>“I think I’ll stay here for a bit,” Sakusa speaks quietly, eyes fixed on Atsumu, feeling as though if he looks away he might vanish or start turning.</p><p> </p><p>“You should wash up and change your clothes before.” Komori replies and Sakusa finally breaks from Atsumu to look at him. “If he wakes up soon he probably won’t want to see you covered in his own blood.”</p><p> </p><p>Sakusa looks down at his own body, slowly taking in just how he must look. He’s not even sure he remembers what color his shirt was. He briefly wonders if he’ll be able to completely scrape off the red from his skin. It feels ingrained into his flesh.</p><p> </p><p>“I’ll send someone for you if anything happens,” Komori assures, kind eyes staring back at him but Sakusa still frowns. “ Anything.” He repeats.</p><p> </p><p>Sakusa listens.</p><p> </p><p>When he catches a glimpse of himself in a mirror, Sakusa realizes he’s glad there wasn’t anyone else in the infirmary. He would have most likely scared people with the way he looked. Strung out and covered with blood.</p><p> </p><p>Washing away everything does help. It helps him clear his head. Put his thoughts in order. Regain the composure he usually constantly possesses. </p><p> </p><p>Somewhere along the line, Sakusa had managed to convince himself that the thought of death leaves him jaded. That he’s not afraid of it anymore. </p><p> </p><p>But he was wrong. He just didn’t have to think about the possibility of someone he deeply cares about dying in a long time. He got confident. Too sure of their skills and tactics.</p><p> </p><p>He fooled himself into believing accidents wouldn’t happen anymore.</p><p> </p><p>Leaving the showers and stopping by the small dining hall when he spots Kita talking with a man he doesn’t recognize but strangely looks familiar.</p><p> </p><p>Eyes on the stranger, Sakusa approaches the two. “Any news?” He asks but Kita shakes his head.</p><p> </p><p>“Still sleeping. Komori is still with him. Osamu and Suna are taking care of all the stuff you brought back.” He briefs him and Sakusa nods.</p><p> </p><p>“Who’s this?” He asks and Kita’s eyes widen for a second.</p><p> </p><p>“Right. This is Makoto. He showed up almost as soon as you left. We were so excited to tell you we have a new survivor.” He trails off, a bitter note to his tone and Sakusa looks toward the man. Offering him a small smile.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m Sakusa. I would usually take you around and show you everything but.” He stops when Makoto returns the smile politely.</p><p> </p><p>“It’s okay. You’ve got more important things to care for.” He offers simply and Sakusa knows Kita must have told him what happened.</p><p> </p><p>“Makoto was a police officer before the world went to shit and he’s managed to survive on his own for months. We might be able to make use of him.” Kita supplies lightly, tone playful but Sakusa knows he’s testing the water. Trying to see if the man is willing to pull his weight around the place. Earn himself a stay.</p><p> </p><p>“Whatever you’ve got,” Makoto speaks easily even though he has no idea the kind of work Kita might have for him.</p><p> </p><p>“For now just focus on eating and gaining strength back. We know how it is out there.” Kita chuckles and Sakusa throws him a short smile.</p><p> </p><p>“I’ll go back.” Sakusa declares quietly. Kita reaches over to squeeze his hand and Makoto offers him a polite smile.</p><p> </p><p>Sakusa’s hand is on the infirmary door handle when it swings open. Startling, he looks up at Komori’s surprised face before it breaks into a smile.</p><p> </p><p>“I was about to get you.” He offers, voice light and happy and Sakusa feels his chest flutter.</p><p> </p><p>“He’s awake.” He breathes. Komori nods, barely blocking the doorway with his body for a moment.</p><p> </p><p>“He’s weak and he needs rest. Don’t keep him up for too long,” He warns but there’s no bite to his tone. Just a reminder. “I’ll get Osamu.”</p><p> </p><p>Sakusa nods, walking inside, eyes falling on Atsumu. He’s propped up against a few pillows instead of lying completely flat on his back. His complexion is still too pale. Still too sickly but it’s already better than before. His hand is uncuffed. But mostly, he’s looking back at him. His eyes look tired, lids heavy but he’s there. And he’s smiling. Feeble but it makes something grow inside of Sakusa’s chest.</p><p> </p><p>Taking the few steps he needs to take to reach the bed, Sakusa sits on the edge of it, reaching out a trembling hand to push his hair away from his forehead. His skin is a little clammy still but not burning up anymore.</p><p> </p><p>“Hey.” Atsumu croaks out, voice rough. The momentarily happiness Sakusa felt upon seeing him awake fades into a deep sense of guilt.</p><p> </p><p>“Hey,” He whispers back. “How are you feeling?”</p><p> </p><p>“Komori gave me something for the pain when I woke up so I’m good for now.” He smiles. Sakusa’s eyes fall accusingly on the white bandage around his wrist.</p><p> </p><p>There’s an apology on the tip of Sakusa’s tongue but he swallows it back. “That’s good.”</p><p> </p><p>Atsumu blinks at him slowly, raising his hand to poke at the wrinkle between his furrowed brows. Sakusa just keeps staring back at him.</p><p> </p><p>“Why are you looking at me like that?” Atsumu asks. Sakusa frowns again.</p><p> </p><p>“Like what?”</p><p> </p><p>“Like I’m going to disappear if you look away.”</p><p> </p><p>“You almost did.”</p><p> </p><p>Atsumu falls silent for a moment. A solemn look passing over his face before he schools it with a soft grin.</p><p> </p><p>“You were scared for me? That’s embarrassing.”</p><p> </p><p>Sakusa knows what Atsumu is doing. He knows he’s only trying to lighten the heavy atmosphere. He would usually play along or humor him. But right now the guilt in his chest is overbearing.</p><p> </p><p>“Don’t.” He says, word somewhat sharp. “Don’t turn this into a joke.” He chastises.</p><p> </p><p>“Sorry. You know this is my default mode.” He mutters, reaching to grab his hand. His fingers are cold and his grip weak. </p><p> </p><p>Sakusa subtly slips from his grip, standing from the bed and walking around the room, eyes falling on the heap of bloodied clothes in a waste bin. His stomach twists again.</p><p> </p><p>“You know there’s a new guy.” He declares, just to have something to say. Something other than what happened to distract himself.</p><p> </p><p>“A new guy?” The surprise is evident in Atsumu’s voice.</p><p> </p><p>“Apparently he showed up much like you and Osamu did. Alone and needing shelter.” He explains vaguely, reminding himself of what Kita told him.</p><p> </p><p>“I hope he’s not better looking than me,” Atsumu grumbles. Sakusa snorts.</p><p> </p><p>“Eh.  And he was a cop so he might be good at a few things. Better watch out.” He amuses Atsumu, if only to not have him know how he’s truly feeling.</p><p> </p><p>“Are you kidding? I’m going to have a cool battle scar now.” He chuckles, lifting his injured arm for a moment before letting it drop back down on his stomach.</p><p> </p><p>Sakusa looks back at him with a frown.</p><p> </p><p>“Sorry. Not making light of the situation.” He replies instantly.</p><p> </p><p>“Komori said I shouldn’t bother you for too long. You need to rest.” He says instead of spewing everything that’s on his mind.</p><p> </p><p>He has every intention of leaving the infirmary but Atsumu sits up straighter on the bed.</p><p> </p><p>“Wait.” He calls out. “Thank you.” He smiles faintly. “I know I joke around a lot about it but I wasn’t ready to tap out.” He says. </p><p> </p><p>Sakusa can only manage a weak smile.</p><p> </p><p>“Get some rest.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Over the next two days, Sakusa wants nothing more than to stay away from the infirmary. Keep away from seeing Atsumu struggle with pain as soon as the medication wears off. Avoid seeing him look at his bandaged arm with a frown. As if wondering where his hand went. </p><p> </p><p>He can’t even properly talk to Atsumu without feeling guilt crushing him. But he can’t find it in himself to leave either.</p><p> </p><p>He tries to act like he doesn’t notice the way Atsumu frowns whenever he moves away from his touch.</p><p> </p><p>“Hey Sakusa,”</p><p> </p><p>Sakusa turns his head to see Suna peeking into the room.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m going to show Makoto around today and everyone’s busy. Can you take over the lookout?” He asks and Sakusa nods, giving him a thumbs up before turning back to Atsumu.</p><p> </p><p>He’s surprised to find him looking almost too pale and wide-eyed.</p><p> </p><p>“What’s wrong? Are you hurting?” He frets, hands hovering, unsure of what to do.</p><p> </p><p>“What did he say?”</p><p> </p><p>“What?”</p><p> </p><p>“Suna. What did he say? Who was he talking about?” The words tumble out of Atsumu’s mouth as he pushes up from the bed.</p><p> </p><p>“The new guy I told you about? Makoto?” Sakusa answers and he knows the confusion is obvious on his face.</p><p> </p><p>“Help me up,” Atsumu says and he sounds almost panicked.</p><p> </p><p>“What?” He mutters trying to hold onto Atsumu’s arm unsure if he should force him down on the bed or help him. “What the fuck has gotten into you?” He groans when Atsumu pushes him off and stands on wobbly legs.</p><p> </p><p>“Let go of me.” </p><p> </p><p>Sakusa listens as if his hand had burned him and Atsumu stumbles out of the infirmary with clumsy steps. He’s been regaining strength slowly but he hasn’t made this much effort this fast in the past two days and Sakusa has no fucking clue why now seems so important. </p><p> </p><p>Atsumu swings the door open just as Komori is coming in. He frowns at Sakusa when Atsumu shoulders past him.</p><p> </p><p>“What’s going on?” He asks, a reprimand obviously on the tip of his tongue.</p><p> </p><p>“I have no clue,” Sakusa responds truthfully, both of them following after him. Sakusa is only a step behind with Komori in tow when they catch up with Suna and Makoto. The two of them turn at the commotion.</p><p> </p><p>Atsumu stops dead in his tracks. Sakusa almost bumps into his back. He doesn’t really have the time to voice his concerns before he sees Makoto’s face. A look passes over his features, much like he’s just seen a ghost before it crumbles into a tearful frown.</p><p> </p><p>“Atsumu,” Makoto’s voice breaks.</p><p> </p><p>Sakusa watches with a mixture of awe and shock when Atsumu runs the few steps separating them and throws himself into Makoto’s arm. </p><p> </p><p>Makoto stumbles back a little at the force of the impact, picking up his arms to lock Atsumu in an embrace that looks almost too tight to be comfortable. Atsumu just clings harder.</p><p> </p><p>“I thought you were dead you asshole!.” Atsumu’s speech is jarred with sobs, his body visibly shaking.</p><p> </p><p>“You tell me,” Makoto throws back, sounding just as unstable.</p><p> </p><p>Both of them fall into wet laughter.</p><p> </p><p>Makoto pulls back to look behind Atsumu.</p><p> </p><p>“Makoto?” Osamu says.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m here, motherfucker.” Makoto says as he rushes to hug Osamu.</p><p> </p><p>“And he’s still your favorite Miya, huh?” Atsumu jokes. </p><p> </p><p>Sakusa spots Suna looking just as shocked as he feels and the quiet sniffles he hears behind him confirm that Komori is just as affected. He can see a few curious people peeking at them into the corridor.</p><p> </p><p>“Maybe we should sit down.” Sakusa clears his throat.</p><p> </p><p>Once they’re all seated in the dining hall, Atsumu and Osamu officially introduces them to their friend.</p><p> </p><p>Sakusa can’t really hide his shock at that. He still remembers Atsumu begging them to help him find their friend. The friend they had lost a few weeks before they took him in. How they got separated by a herd and ran in opposite directions. Sakusa had no faith in finding him. At least not alive.</p><p> </p><p>“We looked for you for a while but then I…” Atsumu trails off, eyes still teary.</p><p> </p><p>“I told him that we couldn’t keep going. We couldn’t keep…” Sakusa tries to help but finds that all the words he has might sound too clumsy. Makoto simply smiles.</p><p> </p><p>“I get it. You couldn’t waste resources on someone who was most likely dead.” He assumes. </p><p> </p><p>“Yeah.” Sakusa gives a curt nod. He’s unsure of how he feels about the way he looks at him.</p><p> </p><p>Makoto explains how he had to settle down a long way from here after finding a small group. They had been helpful in widening his searches but two of them had gotten too sick to travel and ultimately had to be left behind when they went under attack. </p><p> </p><p>Everything feels like an ugly reminder of how the world truly has become survival of the fittest.</p><p> </p><p>“Thank you,” Makoto says out of the blue toward him and there’s so much sincerity in his voice it makes Sakusa uncomfortable. “For taking them in and taking care of them. For bringing Atsumu back the other day.” He adds quietly.</p><p> </p><p>Sakusa clenches his jaw, forcing a smile. He doesn’t understand why Makoto looks so thankful. He had been the one to break Atsumu’s spirit all those months ago about finding the last person he and Osamu had. And now all he can see is how Atsumu is at a disadvantage if he needs to fight.</p><p> </p><p>The need to escape grows stronger in his chest and he only stays until Kita comes back. He then excuses himself with the pretense that he needs to replace whoever is on guard now.</p><p> </p><p>He ignores the hush that falls around the table when he gets up.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>For the next two weeks or so, Sakusa falls into some sort of routine. He keeps guard on the lookout at night, sleeps a few hours in the morning and goes out on runs in the afternoon. Rinse and repeat every single day.</p><p> </p><p>He knows there’s something slightly unhealthy about it. He knows he’s doing it to avoid his feelings. Avoid having to talk with Atsumu. At first, he had been too ecstatic to have his friend back that it had been easy to slip away.</p><p> </p><p>But then Atsumu obviously started noticing and pressing. Asking questions. Which Sakusa also expertly avoided. It lasted for a few days until Atsumu backed off.</p><p> </p><p>Sakusa thinks he must have finally realized how much he fucked up.</p><p> </p><p>Squinting at the cloudy, starless sky, Sakusa looks behind himself when he hears someone climb the ladder to the lookout. He scoots over when he sees Kita coming up. Rifle slung over his shoulder and a thick quilt draped on his arm.</p><p> </p><p>“What are you doing here? The sun isn’t close to being up.” He asks, knowing Kita is on guard after him.</p><p> </p><p>“Couldn’t sleep. Decided to keep you company.” He replies, sitting beside him, wrapping the quilt around his shoulders.</p><p> </p><p>Sakusa observes him quietly for a moment. The sleep lines still evident on his face. The slow blink of his eyelids, that bird nest on his head.</p><p> </p><p>He shakes his head to himself.</p><p> </p><p>“This is an intervention, isn’t it?” Sakusa guesses and Kita has the decency to look somewhat surprised.</p><p> </p><p>“Have I become that predictable?”</p><p> </p><p>“I’ve spent almost every single day with you for close to two years. I just know you.”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, well… I know you too.” Kita throws back and Sakusa sighs because he walked right into that one.</p><p> </p><p>“And what is it that you know so well?”</p><p> </p><p>“You’re pushing Atsumu away.” He states plain and simple. Sakusa expected it, and yet he didn’t expect it to make his chest clench uncomfortably.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m not.” He refutes weakly, staring ahead. Refusing to look back at Kita.</p><p> </p><p>“Bullshit.” Kita scoffs. “It was almost impossible to not find the two of you together before but now you’re either alone or finding any possible excuse to leave with Komori or Suna.” He states and Sakusa feels something bubbling in his chest.</p><p> </p><p>He’s always hated being called out.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m just giving him time to catch up with his friend.” He lies through his teeth, knowing it’s a poor excuse when Kita barks out a quiet laugh.</p><p> </p><p>“Isn’t that convenient?” He taunts. Sakusa feels a scowl twisting his face.</p><p> </p><p>“What the fuck do you want me to say?” He spits, finally looking at him. Kita looks less than impressed.</p><p> </p><p>“Just be honest. If not with me, at least with yourself.” </p><p> </p><p>“I’m scared okay?” He snaps. “What if he didn’t want me to…” He trails off. Kita’s face softens and he fixes him with a sad look.</p><p> </p><p>“You’re afraid he resents you?” He speaks quietly.</p><p> </p><p>Sakusa doesn’t say anything. That alone might have been as loud as screaming yes.</p><p> </p><p>“Maybe if you’d stop brooding in your own guilt, you’d see that he obviously doesn’t. You’d see how hurt he looks whenever you shut him out and walk away.” Kita says and usually, Sakusa is all for not being coddled. But it hurts more than he thought to hear what he already knew deep down but was too scared to face.</p><p> </p><p>“You don’t get it .” He sighs. “Back there, when it happened. I didn’t do it for him. All I could think about was how I wasn’t ready to lose him.” He speaks ruefully.</p><p> </p><p>“So you saved him for yourself and then completely shut him out? Makes total sense.” Kita argues.</p><p> </p><p>“Everything feels like it’s choking me. I’m scared it will all come out if I talk to him.” He admits, a certain bite to his words and he knows he said too much when Kita tilts his head toward him with a knowing gaze.</p><p> </p><p>“You love him.”</p><p> </p><p>The words are spoken quietly. Easily. And yet they feel like they’re cutting at Sakusa’s throat. Those words shouldn’t have meaning in the kind of world they live in. They shouldn’t affect him. And yet he can feel his face burning and chest tight.</p><p> </p><p>“Since you’re already up and awake, you don’t mind taking over early, right?” Sakusa says, voice leaving him in a whoosh because he hadn’t even realized he was holding his breath.</p><p> </p><p>Kita blinks at him rapidly as he stands from the edge of the lookout.</p><p> </p><p>“Sakusa, wait—”</p><p> </p><p>“I’ll talk to you later.” Sakusa interrupts him, slinging his own rifle over his shoulder before hopping down the ladder.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Dropping by the armory to leave his rifle, what Sakusa doesn’t expect when he walks back into his room is to find Atsumu curled up on his cot, his blanket wrapped tightly around his body and brought all the way up to his face.</p><p> </p><p>He hesitates for a moment. Debating whether to stay or flee. The talk with Kita all too fresh in his mind still. In the end, he decides that Kita can have this one. That he should be honest. He quietly closes the door and approaches the cot with slow steps. </p><p> </p><p>Reaching a hand out to cup the side of his face, Sakusa lets his thumb soothe over his cheekbone. Atsumu stirs. Eyes still closed, he nuzzles against his hand. He blinks awake a second later and Sakusa almost regrets waking him up.</p><p> </p><p>“Hey, what are you doing here?” He asks, no hint of anger or annoyance in his voice but Atsumu still sits up fast and clumsy. Sakusa’s hand falls back to his side.</p><p> </p><p>“Sorry, I thought— I just— I can leave.” He mutters, words jumbled, voice resigned.</p><p> </p><p>Sakusa feels a different kind of guilt creeping under his skin.</p><p> </p><p>“You can stay.” He says quickly.</p><p> </p><p>“I don’t want to bother you,” Atsumu speaks and Sakusa swallows, trying to catch some sort of eye contact.</p><p> </p><p>“You’re not. Stay.”</p><p> </p><p>Atsumu sits back down, legs crossed, finger pulling at a thread in the blanket.</p><p> </p><p>“Why are you here?” Sakusa asks again, sitting in front of him, mirroring his position.</p><p> </p><p>“I miss you,” Atsumu says. For some reason, Sakusa expected him to have a proper excuse and the honest answer momentarily robbed him of his words.</p><p> </p><p>“‘Tsumu,”</p><p> </p><p>“I swear I intended on waking up early and leaving before you got back. I didn’t mean to invade your space—”</p><p> </p><p>“Stop.” Sakusa whispers. He hates how downright sad Atsumu sounds. His words completely void of the usual wit and cheek. He hates how it’s because of him. “I’m sorry.” He wants his words to come out loud and clear. For Atsumu to know that he really means the apology but his voice comes out quiet and strained.</p><p> </p><p>“What are you apologizing for?” Atsumu asks. </p><p> </p><p>It feels like a slap to the face. </p><p> </p><p>He’s not asking him in a way that says he doesn’t have anything to apologize for. But how he’s got a few things to choose from.</p><p> </p><p>Taking in a deep breath, Sakusa looks at him in the eyes. “Everything.” He exhales loudly, knowing he has to elaborate.</p><p> </p><p>The way Atsumu stares at him quietly tells him as much.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m sorry about not giving you a choice back there. Making that decision for you.” He starts but Atsumu frowns.</p><p> </p><p>“I never blamed you for that.” He softly says. “I meant it when I thanked you when I first woke up. What hurt me most is the way you’ve been acting ever since.” He frowns.</p><p> </p><p>“I couldn’t face the thought of you possibly hating me. So I just— It was easier to avoid you.” He mutters, eyes falling to his lap, knowing the way he acted was selfish. Almost childish.</p><p> </p><p>“Omi, I thought you didn’t want anything to do with me anymore. It hurt me so much to think that you could just discard me like that. It was like, to you, I did die that day.” He finishes, voice tight.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m so sorry I don’t know—”</p><p> </p><p>Sakusa’s words die in his throat when he hears a quiet but sharp intake of breath. Lifting his eyes from his lap, Sakusa’s heart drops into his stomach at the sight of tears clinging to Atsumu’s lashes, his lower lip caught between his teeth. Like he’s trying his hardest to not break down right then and there.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m sorry. Hush, you. I’m so fucking sorry I hurt you.” He reaches forward, cupping Atsumu’s face in his hands and thumbing the tears away from his eyes. “I was so wrapped up in my thoughts, too focused on my own fears, I didn’t stop to think about how you felt.” </p><p> </p><p>“Just hold me.” Atsumu sniffs and Sakusa pulls at him.</p><p> </p><p>“Come here.”</p><p> </p><p>Atsumu slides onto his lap, still warm from sleep. Sakusa wraps his arms around his waist, holding onto him tightly, face buried in the side of his neck. Sakusa can feel the way Atsumu’s arms wrap around his shoulders. The clinginess of his fingers on one shoulder and the light weight of his other arm simply resting there an ugly reminder of their situation.</p><p> </p><p>A few moments pass where they simply hold onto each other. Atsumu becomes quiet while Sakusa feels wetness building at the corner of his eyes. He feels kisses being pressed against his shoulder and the side of his neck. He feels so damn foolish for trying to distance himself. For almost throwing away all of this.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m sorry.” He whispers again, feeling as if maybe he says it a hundred times it will have more meaning.</p><p> </p><p>Atsumu moves his head back, fingertips brushing against his cheek. He gently knocks their forehead together.</p><p> </p><p>“I know.” He murmurs. “And I know we never put a title on… us. And I'm okay with that but,” He interrupts himself, “Don’t shut me out like this again. We’re friends before anything and I can’t lose that too.” </p><p> </p><p>Sakusa nods, afraid that if he as much as speak, all of his feelings will spew out and he’ll fuck up whatever fragile state they are in right now.</p><p> </p><p>“Will you kiss me?” He says with a note of impishness wrapped in a hopeful layer.</p><p>Sakusa’s laugh is quiet if only to hide how much that single question made his heart jump. How his stomach flutter because, fuck, he missed this too. </p><p> </p><p>He knows they also usually don’t really kiss just to enjoy the close proximity and intimacy it brings. It’s usually a byproduct of whatever way they can manage to get each other off. But now he just wants to kiss him slow, gently.</p><p> </p><p>So he does.</p><p> </p><p>Sakusa holds Atsumu’s face as if it’s made of glass. He catches his lips into a soft press. Atsumu seems to read his feelings just fine because he doesn’t push for more. He lets himself be guided. His fingers push into the hair at the back of Sakusa’s head and he melts against him.</p><p> </p><p>Sucking on his lower lip gently, Sakusa relishes in the full-body shiver making Atsumu press deeper into the kiss, tongues brushing almost curiously instead of their usual messy ways.</p><p> </p><p>Everything feels so unhurried and yet Sakusa feels as if he might drown. His body feels like he’s the calmest he’s been in a long time while feeling like he’s running out of time if he doesn’t act now.</p><p> </p><p>Pushing any possible bad feeling aside, Sakusa brings his arms down, wrapping Atsumu in an embrace, stroking his hands up and down his back. Atsumu pulls back with a last soft bite at his lip.</p><p> </p><p>Sakusa wants to imprint the image of the soft blush taking over Atsumu’s face into his mind. The way his eyes are so honest and open. How his lips are red and a little swollen. Or at least getting there.</p><p> </p><p>“I want you.” Atsumu breathes. Sakusa swallows, feeling his heart jump at the quiet confession. Heat shooting through his veins.</p><p> </p><p>“But— maybe—”</p><p> </p><p>“If you say we shouldn’t because I’m injured, I will throw a fit.” Atsumu cuts him off and Sakusa cracks a small smile. </p><p> </p><p>There’s something about having Atsumu talking to him like this again that feels good .</p><p> </p><p>“Okay.” He agrees easily. “But let me take care of you properly.” He adds and Atsumu wets his lips, nodding quickly.</p><p> </p><p>Taking his time to undress Atsumu, Sakusa presses kisses to every inch of skin being revealed. Kisses up his stomach to his chest, pressing his tongue against his nipples when he reaches them. He lets his tongue drag over the sensitive skin of his thighs when he throws his pants on the floor.</p><p> </p><p>By the time he’s got him fully naked, Atsumu is already fully hard, cock curving against his tummy. Sakusa smiles at the expecting glint in his eyes when he kisses away the bead of precum from his slit.</p><p> </p><p>“You better get naked too.” He says and he sounds so breathless Sakusa can’t help but feel proud of himself.</p><p> </p><p>He decides to not refuse him tonight and rids himself of his clothes. “I’d help you but I think it would take longer,” Atsumu mutters with an oddly sheepish smile.</p><p> </p><p>Sakusa’s eyes move to his right arm. Kneeling between his spread legs, Sakusa lies on top of Atsumu, the skin on skin contact a comfortable warmth. Carefully touching his wrist where his bandage ends, Sakusa feels that the fabric is thinner now. A clear indicator of the progress he’s had.</p><p> </p><p>Pressing his lips against the skin at the edge of it, Sakusa observes the way Atsumu blinks slowly at him, a deep red spreading over his cheeks and the bridge of his nose. </p><p> </p><p>He’s so gone for him.</p><p> </p><p>Catching his mouth in another kiss while he’s there, Sakusa slides back down his body until his face is between his thighs. Letting the dip of his tongue drag over his shaft, Sakusa sucks the head of his cock into his mouth before letting go almost immediately, earning himself a whine.</p><p> </p><p>“Can you get on your stomach?” He asks, sitting back a little and Atsumu rolls over without saying a word. The flush from his face gradually moving all the way to the back of his neck.</p><p> </p><p>Sakusa pulls Atsumu’s hip up to bring his ass closer to him, letting his fingers ghost over the pretty arch of his spine. Sakusa spread him, dragging the flat of his tongue over Atsumu’s hole. He hears a muffled moan and looks up to see him clutching his pillow, face buried in the fabric.</p><p> </p><p>Working the tip of his tongue against his skin, Sakusa can feel the way Atsumu’s body squirms, somehow trying to push himself closer to his mouth. Feeling the muscle loosen and slick, Sakusa pushes a finger in.</p><p> </p><p>He moves slow and deliberate, knowing the way he’s acting is testing Atsumu’s usually short restraint. Pushing a second finger inside of him, Sakusa moves them, pressing them down until he can spread them and slip his tongue between them.</p><p> </p><p>Atsumu tightens and gasps loudly, lifting his head from his pillow and looking back at him over his shoulder. Sakusa holds the eye contact, keeping up with his ministrations.</p><p> </p><p>“Shit stop, I’m embarrassingly close already.” He admits and Sakusa chuckles.</p><p> </p><p>Reaching into the little nook next to his cot, Sakusa grabs the lube he knows he threw there before. Before he can spread some over his fingers, Atsumu sits up and extends his hand toward him</p><p> </p><p>Sakusa watches silently for a moment before he pours some on his hand. He watches the way Atsumu’s eyes are fixed on his hand as he wraps his fingers around his cock and covers his skin with it. Sakusa holds back a hiss at the onslaught of feelings. The coldness of the lube clashing with the warmth of Atsumu’s hand. The feeling of finally being touched after not focusing on himself for all this time.</p><p> </p><p>Atsumu leans in to kiss at his chest before he moves to lie back down on his stomach but Sakusa stops him with a hand on his waist.</p><p> </p><p>He wants to say something. Wants to explain himself. Instead, he quietly guides Atsumu to lie on his back.</p><p> </p><p>He knows they usually don’t do things like this. He’s pretty sure he can count the number of times they’ve fucked facing each other. But he knows right now is different. It’s been different since they started kissing.</p><p> </p><p>Atsumu doesn’t say anything either. He simply wraps his legs around him when Sakusa buries himself inside of him. Feels the way his walls suck in him.</p><p> </p><p>Choking back a moan, Sakusa looks at the way Atsumu’s face breaks. The way his mouth parts, his brows furrow and how he doesn’t avoid his gaze. </p><p> </p><p>He looks so damn breathtaking. Sakusa feels his chest grow. The feelings he’s been harboring on the verge of tumbling out.</p><p> </p><p>Lying chest to chest, Sakusa pushes his arms under Atsumu’s shoulders, cupping the back of his head with one of his hands. He knows this is the most intimate they’ve ever been. He knows it and yet it feels so familiar. He can feel and hear every little gasp and breath Atsumu sucks in. He can feel the way his chest shakes and everything feels too much.</p><p> </p><p>“I won’t last long.” He breathes into his ear and Atsumu claws at his back, his legs wrapping tighter around him and Sakusa can feel his cock squished between their stomach, the friction of their skin apparently more than enough to push him over the edge.</p><p> </p><p>There’s a sob-like moan dropping into his ear before Sakusa feels wetness against his stomach and he speeds up, refusing to move back and give himself more room. He knows Atsumu must be oversensitive now and the quiet whimpers falling from his mouth are enough to rip the orgasm from him.</p><p> </p><p>Sakusa is pretty sure he blacks out for at least half a second.</p><p> </p><p>When he blinks, Atsumu is running his fingers through his hair, his other arm resting lightly against his back.</p><p> </p><p>Sakusa pulls back, barely cringing at the mess on their stomachs because Atsumu looks so damn sated and satisfied and frankly, he feels the same.</p><p> </p><p>Cleaning themselves up as best as they can without opting for the showers, Sakusa pulls Atsumu back into his cot with him. It’s a tight fit but he won’t complain about having to hold him close to his body.</p><p> </p><p>“That was nice.” Atsumu speaks tiredly, stretching his injured arm in front of himself.</p><p> </p><p>Sakusa looks at it over his shoulder, his fingers slowly drumming on Atsumu’s tummy.</p><p> </p><p>“Are you hurting?” He asks.</p><p> </p><p>“That was the softest you ever went on me, I’m okay.” He laughs and Sakusa pinches his side.</p><p> </p><p>“You know that’s not what I meant.” He mutters, feeling sleepiness rapidly creeping up on him. </p><p> </p><p>“It’s fine.” Atsumu hums. “You know, I was talking with Osamu the other day about making some sort of prosthetic once it’s healed. Could be something cool.” He says and Sakusa smiles against the back of his neck because it’s obvious that he’s falling asleep too.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m reserving myself the right to refuse any sort of gun attachment.”</p><p> </p><p>“You’re no fun.”</p><p> </p><p>“Maybe but I love you and I won’t have you risking any more injury,” Sakusa speaks quietly and the words leave him so easily he almost doesn’t realize what he’s said.</p><p> </p><p>Atsumu doesn’t grow tense. He doesn’t look back at him in shock.</p><p> </p><p>Sakusa can see the way his cheek moves up in a smile. He feels him grab onto the arm over his stomach and squeeze it against himself.</p><p> </p><p>“Deal.” He whispers and that’s enough. Sakusa knows all the meaning it holds. He falls asleep easily.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>i made sakusa a lot more softer than how others wrote him, i hope it isn't too out of character. but if you've reached this far, thank you for giving my fic a chance! i hope you enjoyed reading the fic as much as i did writing it. kudos' and comments are very, very much appreciated!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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